And then it was over

I’ve been wanting to make a pie, so I could come back here and tell you how centering it is to make pie … how baking has helped me cope.

Two weeks ago I was at home by myself on a Monday night. My guy and I had talked about going out for pho, and I was waiting to hear from him. While I waited, I cleaned the floors of my apartment and started some laundry. I tried to think of where we should go. Ba Bar? Than Brothers? I thought, I don’t care what we do as long as we get to hang out. I hadn’t seen him in almost a week.

I got a text asking if he could come over. He wanted to talk.

He did. We did … and then it was over.

Maybe making a pie would’ve helped. But there has been no pie. Even though it’s almost Thanksgiving. Even though I’ve had a lot more time to myself lately.

Last night, I again found myself at home alone on a Monday night. I was doing laundry and cleaning the bathroom and the parallels were obvious. Two weeks is no time at all. Two weeks is a lifetime. I am still at the level of being upset, but somehow beyond the ability to cry, or demand that my friends take me out for alcohol and karaoke (yes, that happened.)

So I was at home by myself and my sink was making me crazy. When I visited my 19-year-old brother in Portland last month, I was humbled by his spotless apartment. If my little brother can keep his bathroom that clean without making a fuss about it, then so can I, damn it! Last night I finally busted out the Clorox Disinfecting Wipes and vowed to never let my sink get gross again. I scrubbed the tub and Cloroxed every corner of the room. I even cleaned all the gunk out of my eye pencil sharpener.

The more I cleaned, the less I thought about all the things I want but can’t have right now.

I debated whether I should write about this. I didn’t want to get too personal, but it felt too weird not to write about it. And honestly, it helps me.  I hope, on some level it helps you, too. Even if it’s just a bit of entertainment as you’re avoiding work the day before a holiday.

A holiday for which I am very excited! And just so you know, I did offer to make the pie (this is what I had in mind.) But I lost out to my grandmother. If Grandma calls pie duty, you can’t really fight that.

So there’s no pie to distract me from my life right now, but there’s bourbon for cold nights, gelato from Lisa, lunch with Monica and helping Emely paint her new place while we drank Italian wine from old paper coffee cups (“I detect a hint of mocha on the nose…”)

And now, I have a really clean bathroom. I’m quite happy about that.